Pathetic.

I'm trying not to be so down right now. I mean, I leave here on Thursday the 26th! Two days from now! But it's hard to think that I'm going to return to a place I'm disliked, unwelcomed, and hated. I mean, fuck I honestly could care less the state of things, but it's just odd to think I left there with so many friends. And can honestly say, that I did nothing that should of caused this result. I've stood up for myself, and done what I have believed to be morally right. But, people don't see it that way, so fuck it. There's one person that it actually does bug me that I know we won't be friends anymore. There's a simple explanation and absolutely no excuse to be made. I will not be friends with someone who drinks. I'm over and done with that. Time and time again I'm shown that people who have no respect for themselves (drinkers/smokers) are not capable of respecting others. I'm not talking about the ocassionally drinker, but people who just get fucking trashed all the time, who have nothing to live for but the drink in their hand. It's fucking weak. And I will not be a part of it. People know this about me, always have. And to think that someone who has been around me for a number of years, who has been my "best friend", and continually asks me to be a part of their life, would want to take part in such an act. FUCK THAT! Honestly, if you (and you specifically) are drinking, I hope you fucking choke on your hypocritial words. For years you've downed on substance abuse, and now you stand on the same ground as the fucking pathetic you once spoke of. I'm glad to see that everything you said to me was a lie. I'm glad that you didn't stand firm in what you "believe". Most of all, I enjoy my "BEST FRIEND" so blatantly disregarding me.

Don't expect me to be in your life. You're fucking weak.

Suffer, To Return Harder

Let's start with what's good! I leave Canada next week, HOLY SHIT! I am so ready to be out of this hole they call "Victoria". So road trip to Virginia starting on the 26th. Should take me about 4 days or so to get across the country. So, I'm stoked to be out of here. I'm stoked to be around a few people in Richmond, bummed about being around most.

Every day I wake up prepared to be shut down by someone I care about. I put everything I have into everything and everyone around me, and I'm never shown appreciation for what I do. I've been there for so many, and now when I need it, I'm surrouned by a bunch of rats.

As of late, I've been shut down for standing up for my brother and my friends. In fact, a friend of mine was so blatantly disrespected, it surprised me he didn't stand up for himself. But when I take a stand against what was done to him, I'm shut down by mutual friends of ours. Makes no sense to me.. But I will do what it takes to make this right.

I've been lucky enough to have several great people come into my life recently. I can't tell you the feeling I have knowing that these people are here for me. And I mean really here. These guys have been nothing but great to my brother and I. I am in forever in debt for what's already been done, I love each and every one of you. I will be here every day to show you my grattitude towards your actions.

I will see those who matter very very soon!

Respect

I'm growing further and further away from the ones I love. Not because of myself or my actions. I'm watching people change. I'm seeing many people go back on what they've said. Turning their backs to their "beliefs". So, I've been thinking a lot about respect lately. Self respect, respect for others, their beliefs, their values, and their feelings.

I myself am guilty of being a dick from time to time. Not because I need to make myself feel better in any way. But it's because I blatantly don't like someone, something, or the situation. But not to say I put everyone and everything down. I had a lot of friends up until recently. I always gave people a chance, and welcomed and embraced new ideas with open arms. Being that kind of guy, I considered myself very respectful.

Lately, all of those who I showed respect towards have done nothing for me in return. In actuality, they might as well have spit in my face. I've placed myself in a really hard position, I've put myself out, I'm trying to help someone who I love very very much. Not because I want to anymore, but because I feel it's the right thing to do. And trust me, I'm fucking struggling. I've done everything I can, everything I know to do. I'm trying to make this work. Wouldn't you do the same for a close friend? So I'm here helping, doing everything in my power to help. And what's done in appreciation? Nothing, I'm constantly being told half truths, I know. I can feel it, I can see it in their eyes. Acting out against me almost. Blatantly disrespecting me, in almost every aspect of my way of living. I live a pure, clean, honest life, and I'm here supporting you. The least you can do is show some RESPECT.

And at the same time, I have people who claim to "care about me". I know you're liars. If you cared, truly, you'd think before acting on impulse. You'd think think with your heart, not your dick. Regardless, of what you may say to try and salvage this, there's no turning back. Like I've said many times before, I'm over being trampeled on by my "friends". Where is the respect?

Is it a value that only a few possess? Is it a human morality that people have forgetten? I don't understand, if that's the case. Why do I still feel it is my responsibility to uphold such a task? Maybe I'm wrong about everything. Maybe humanity has reached a point where values mean nothing anymore. In the mean time, I'll be searching for that answer.

A complete shit show

The past few days I have been a complete mess. I've been so lost in worrying about my trip home, my financial state, and on top of that my mental and emotional state. Still work sucks.. I'm keeping my hopes up on finding a job soon, I'm really busting my ass to make it happen. I need to be away from Gap, that place brings me down so hard.

Richmond is slowly turning into the place I remembered it being. Shitty people, fake friends, and lots of drama. I don't know why it has to be that way. It's becoming something I really am not looking forward to being a part of anymore. And then when I look at it. People here are exactly the same. Everyone runs their mouths, about shit they don't even know. At the end of the day, I'm left without anyone. Sadly, the closest person I have, I only talk to through text messages. Occasionally we talk on the phone when I need help or advice. But shit, I honestly barely know the guy. I am looking forward to being around him though. He seems to be one of the last honest and sincere people I have around. I'm so grateful for what I have, and as literally gay as this sounds, I'd do anything for him.

I wish that everyone who I've met through the years, the people I've befriended. I wish they were as true to me as I am to them. And the ones who wouldn't be, I wish I could have seen it coming. If all of those who have stabbed me in the back, all the ones who never had me a heart, I wish they would just fall off the face of the earth. There's a very few people who I'd honestly wish death upon, and none of these people fall into that catagory. I just wish you were never in my life, ever. For far too long I've allowed myself to continue being trampled on by the people I've chosen to surrond myself in. It's because I cared about you, and at one point I saw something in you. Now, I see nothing in anyone. I trust very few, and I allow even fewer to get close.

I know, I'll always be myself. I'm true to myself, and my values will withstand the test of time. My friends and family will always come first. I've had and always will have my friends best intrest at heart. I've always looked out for you, no matter how long I've known you or how close we are. I need people who do the same.

Realization

Because I know there's not a million people reading this, I'm going to post something up here for my friends to read. It's not really everyones business, nor is is private. There's just no point in stirring internet drama. Recently, it's come to my attention that two of my best friends are "talking". You know, it's really a good thing. I downed on it hard at first, not becuase of who it was.. but really because of WHO it was.. if that makes sense? And you know, I'm nobody to shut it down, it's not my life, it's not fair for me to say you cannot be happy with each other. It's going to change things, but that's life. I realized this, and honestly, it doesn't bother me. If the two of you are happy together, then good. I'd rather see her with you than any other shitty guy in Richmond. Let's admit it, most guys our age are peices of shit. So things change, we move on and so goes life. There's a lot of things people don't know, and will never know about me. I have two friends in my life that nobody will ever come as close to me as them. My brother being one of them, and it's been that way forever, and will always be that way. Everyone is constantly being compared to him. Second friend being Pete, he's like a brother to me. Really, nobody has even come close to being as close as I am to Pete. Nor do I think there is someone else in this world as pure and honest as he is. Therefore nobody will be as close to my heart, ever. And that's just how it is. I don't let people in, they don't really see "me". So, Nick and Pete are my heart, my life, and my family. So here comes the hard part.. To everyone I acclaimed to be "best friends" with, that can't be. You guys are some of my best friends, but not my "best friend". People seem to grow attached to me very fast, and claim these things before I'm able to make an assesment on them. And I understand, a lot of this is because I'm a legit guy. And there's not a lot of people like me left. I will do anything for any one of my friends. And I mean anything. You guys are what keeps me here, keep me doing what I do.

And if that upsets you, then you know there's not much I can do for you. I'm an honest guy, and it's about time this surfaces. So, what's done is done, I've said what needed to be said about our situation. So let us move on from here, I already have.

This Morning

I've had the longest week of my life, not really doing anything. Job hunting so hard, nowhere will hire me because the mass majority of jobs here are catering to old people. When that's the case, they don't want a person looking like me working for them. Kind of a downer. Anyways, I hope I'm not jynxing it, but I think I got in on this really sick vegan place. Really good sammmies and smoothies! So get stoked on me being able to cook something delicious up when I get home! Recently, just about everything that could go wrong finincally, has. I don't work at the bike shop anymore due to the season. And Gap has cut my hours back a lot. My phone bill last month was ridiculous. My MSP, which is like health insurance for residents of Canada, is through the fucking roof because they forgot to bill my credit card.. Word. So my bill is outrageous. My car, is just about fucked, due to an electrical short. Which well cost me roughly a thousand unless I'm able to talk my dealer into hooking it up. So to sum it up, I'm struggling with life in Canada. I've recently discovered how few "real" friends I have. I've seen many do things I'd never even consider doing to anyone. And these people are supposed to be close to me? With that being said, I don't expect to see many of you when I get home.

First

Seeing as I don't have anyone to talk to since I've moved to Canada. Being able to type out, read, and share what's going on seems to help me a lot. So this being my first entry, I will not dive to into what's going on in my life. I will be using this blog mostly to update everyone with what I've been writing. So if you know me, feel free to check this blog out.